brain dump #1

Deep breath. I can be ready in a week. No problem.

I could be ready later this week, but I would rather not. I have put myself through the emotional ringer throughout the course of this fall, first putting pressure on myself to race my bike fast, and compete at a higher level physically, than ever before; then to write and submit an NSF grant proposal that I can be proud of, something I think has a good chance of being funded. I rose to both of those challenges relatively easily. I marvel at the athletic gains I made over the past year, and am really poised to do quite well on the bike in the next year. But I have also diverted valuable emotional energy from my core purpose of being here, my Ph.D. I need to pass my proposal exam. Next Tuesday. Deep breath: I can do it. I can follow this path that I have set for myself. I can do it.

Grad school is kind of like bike racing, in that it's basically romanticized suffering. I fell out of love with being bougie after a couple of years at Stanford. The glitz and glamour of the top 1% and the associated way of life lost its sheen when I grew to realize the amount of hypocrisy and greed necessary to achieve that coveted royalty status. I did not want a Mercedes, a 6-figure income, a penthouse in the City, if it meant having to play the game and deal with those people. Leaving Stanford was as much a rejection of a way of life as it was a personal decision. I would rather feel life authentically, and suffer, than to be numb to the suffering in the world. In order to feel alive I must be able to feel pain. I have lived because I have known pain, and have felt suffering and misery and defeat. But what have I done for the world, what have I brought? Am I inspiring people and teaching them and adding richness to their lives? I don't know. Is my research going to help make someone's life better? What is it that I am doing that is different from how others are looking at the same thing, how am I uniquely tackling this problem? How am I making the world a better place?

Lots of my friends are having kids now. Someone has to do it, and I'm glad it's not me... but it's slightly strange to me, to know that others my age are parents, not knowing how on earth they do it. I don't even think about having children, at least very often. I don't hold the illusion that my life expectancy will be anywhere near as high as my grandparents', and I can't imagine the concept of grandchildren of my own. The world is changing too rapidly right now for these ideas to have any meaning. It is my task to ride out these very strange waves of change resonating through our planet, and somehow contribute to the greater good of society - or of the planet - in the process. If kids are supposed to be a part of my life, they will be, when they're ready.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it is that I'm good at. I've always been reasonably good at a lot of things, provided enough practice. I've been pretty good at a lot of things, including gymnastics, skating, cycling, drawing, piano, clarinet, and of course school. I'm really good at school. I'm sort of a generalist, never been able to commit to just one thing enough to become the best at it. I get sidetracked easily and am interested in pretty much everything.

My inability to commit to one path has led me down innumerable interesting avenues and side streets, but has not exactly fast-tracked me to a specific career. My life has consisted of several extremely interesting chapters, but lacks an overall plot arc. I'm almost 27 and I have very little to show for myself - a B.S. and a bunch of bikes, a couple of published papers and race results, but no car, no house, no family. Where is all this leading? It's a great setup, but what's the punch line? And like when I try to tell a joke, I can't quite remember what the punch line is, or if there ever was one.

What am I here to do? What is my purpose in life? I'm living at the very height of an unprecedented empire, with virtually every form of leisure, information, and entertainment at my fingertips. I'm constantly feeding my mind with new perspectives, new works of art, and new ideas, yet I generally only share these with one or two people, or maybe my twitter feed or my facebook friends. But even through those venues, a certain amount of censorship is required, since my friends are everywhere on the political and religious spectrum. I need a place where I can produce and share creative work, current and old, and where I can share with the world what my brain has been producing lately. More importantly, I need to tie these to my real identity, so that I become known to the world for who (and what) I am, rather than having to hide behind a pseudonym or anonymity.

I need to stop passively absorbing and start fervently producing. And sharing the fervent productions of my past, and letting them fuel fervent future productions. I hope you'll give me feedback on the things that I share, and I hope you are inspired to start fervently creating whatever it is that your soul tells you to give to the world. Remember, it isn't art if you don't share it.

Back to that grad school thing that I mentioned at the beginning of the post: Much of the stress and strain that I've been under these past few weeks comes from the qualifying exam hell that I'm going through right now. I have to write and defend an original proposal outside the area of my thesis research. It's really not nearly as difficult as I'm making it out to be, I have a good start, a good understanding of the subject, and am a competent communicator. I just need to actually *do* it, and part of that is uncorking the creative process (because science is just as creative as art, just in a very narrowly constrained manner). By getting these old and stagnant ideas out of my head I will be able to narrow and filter and focus on the problem at hand. I can be ready in a week. I will be ready in a week. I just need to get my creative juices flowing, and the proposal will flow as well.

Thanks for reading.